September 1841

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1st, Monday.

The weather is beautiful and clear. In the morning Papa gave me a few trifles he had brought with him from Helsingfors. — After the meal we went to the Great Garden, where we spoke of yesterday! After tea Mama and I transplanted strawberries in the garden, and then walked as far as the tavern; the evening was beautiful, but chilly. — After supper we read a chapter from the Scriptures together and from K. von Klipp.

2nd, Tuesday.

The weather is wondrous, magnificent — as warm and mild as on St. John’s Day. I felt quite unwell, this day full of suffering… the struggles of Saturday gave me no peace, yesterday’s step seemed to me hasty; I felt [some sort of] chasm [misfortune/alienation] between myself and Kursell, which I am powerless to describe. He was no longer as close to me as he would have liked to be, although I frequently glanced at him. In the morning, quite unexpectedly, the Knorrings from Weissenfeld visited us with their sisters-in-law. I had to force myself to go to them, taking part and maintaining the conversation. After the meal we walked, and then sat in the dark until tea; after tea we made music, and I sang the deepest thoughts of Beethoven; I was moved by this. He [Kursell] looked at me so intently [without taking his eyes off me]. Knorring told Mama many flattering things about K… After they departed, we went for a walk to the village in the evening. In the evening I felt very wretched, — there is an infinite melancholy within me, my heart was so full! Where is all that joy that should fill the heart of a young bride!

The weather is magnificent, warm and clear. — Dear Mama came to the aid of my condition; when I awoke, she came to me saying she wished to travel with me to Hapsal to see Hunnius [the physician], — I frequently wept involuntarily; my head ached, and I felt exhausted. — On the way to the shore, Mama was indescribably friendly and affectionate, spoke much to me of Kursell… She told me that Knorring had told her so many good things about K….. — Ah! And this touched my heart; I felt good, as if I were drawn to Kursell once more; a pure feeling for him awoke within me, before the other side [of doubts] pushed me away from him again. — On the shore we had to wait a long time.

In Hapsal we went to Hunnius, to Dr. Kittler… and to the Frantzes, where we stayed for quite a long time… after eating I went for a walk with Amalie. — She spoke to me amiably about K… and how I had often imagined this; I said that I had endured terrible struggles when Mama went to Hapsal to give Kursell our consent… and the tears I shed on Saturday were terrible… that something inside me resisted feeling affection for him… I clearly felt that I was looking into the very same heart… (the entries become disjointed) … prayed late… The prescription [medicine from the doctor] exhausted me so much that I went straight to bed.

4th, Thursday.

The weather was very fine. I did not sleep particularly well during the night; immediately after drinking coffee, I went into the small garden, where we sat in the sun, and there I learned that Amalie had contrived everything so beautifully… Suddenly we heard the barking of dogs, and they came out to meet us to announce that Kursell had arrived; this news shocked me greatly. — Mama went into the house, while I hid with Amalie… K… came out to meet me with great concern. We sat in the hall, I spoke little, as I was very worn out. — After the meal we sat on the porch; the weather, however, was so beautiful that we went into the Great Garden, where we spent a couple of hours in conversation. K… sat opposite me, he was very saddened [upset]… said something to me from which I understood, and it struck me, — as if I were deceiving Him. — It is impossible and indescribable to record all the feelings and thoughts that crossed within me; it exhausted me so much that even before tea I was forced to lie down for a few moments. After tea we went into the hall again; Emilia played the clavier – before supper I had to go to bed. – Even just to stand up, I felt indescribably exhausted. – I had to read lines over which it was impossible not to weep bitter tears. Kursell wrote that he returns my freedom to me, and I release Him completely. This weighed heavily upon me; perhaps this was the last [letter] from Him – may the Lord avert this! –

5th, Friday.

As I slept little during the night, I rose late. Mama persuaded Papa, and he rode to Hapsal to see K., to ask Him not to definitively accept his refusal [breakup]. After coffee, although the sun was not shining and it was cloudy and chilly, I went once again with dear Mama to the gazebo, where we, entirely alone, spoke very, very much, naturally, about my heart. Papa and Mama returned, thank God, for I was trembling and weeping profusely, because the result now was that we were refusing Kursell, – which [seemed] to me a terrible, glaring injustice. – How I felt on this day only my heart can judge, for I confided my affairs to it. But pain does not last forever alone – it becomes easier to bear everything when you see that another soul shares in it. Thus passed the evening; and after supper I spoke with Mama for a long time in the lit bedroom about all my relations with K… about what I believed and what I had realized. I also spoke with her about my former relations with Pyotr And[reyevich]… and so I went to sleep comforted. They often speak of Kursell’s pure love; I did not know this, thank God, I need no special preparations [proofs] for this.

6th, Saturday.

When I awoke in the morning, Mama entered with the news that fruit had been sent to us from Sinalep, and that there was a letter for me from Kursell; the letter did not produce a bad impression on me, on the contrary, I rather wept in remorse. Mama wrote, thanked them for the apples, and explained quite clearly that everything would be canceled [the betrothal broken off]. I almost trembled with horror; I was affected not only by all this, but also by the fact that I am causing Kursell such grief and insult, which he does not deserve, but the inner voice, which I deemed the voice of the Lord, gave me comfort and did not allow me to act otherwise; the letter was sent. – The entire day I lay in bed, I felt very unwell. – I shed bitter tears, Mama was full of love and sympathy. After tea I got up, Papa wished that I take a little fresh air, and I rode with Emilia, and we walked outside… in the garden, where we spoke much and confidentially; I told her about the time when I met him in Hapsal. Before supper I went to the room with Mama, and we spoke of how tomorrow surely some of the Kursell ladies will arrive.

7th, Sunday.

I slept little during the night, as I was very agitated. In the morning, when I rose, dear, kind Mama came to me with the words: – “Imagine, Sophie, Kursell was here, I spoke with him, he left a long time ago.” I was so surprised, and knew not whether to be frightened or glad. Kursell had wanted to speak with me, but Mama prevented it and strongly advised against it, as it would have been terribly hard for us to see each other and even more so to speak. However, he left a letter for me with Mama. – I prayed over it and read it with bitter tears – Merciful God, how heavily it weighed upon my heart; why did I do this? Was it the right thing? He hurried and must have written in haste, and especially [insulted/offended] Papa, which I cannot blame him for, for he [Papa] often remained silent and was frequently offensive. In the morning I went to Papa and asked his forgiveness for the many unpleasant hours I had caused him; he kissed me and was very, very welcoming. After the meal Papa fell asleep in his armchair. In the evening we read “Maltravers”. I occupied my thoughts all day with K… [Kursell]. My heart was very heavy.

8th, Monday.

In the morning Baron Rosen was with us for half an hour. I walked with Mama in the Great Garden; we dined very late. – After the meal we went for a walk in the vicinity of the Schottanes manor, where Dr. Hunnius received us very amiably; he too had arrived there from Lückholm. I went there with tremendous reluctance, as Mama wished me to speak with the doctor, which was repulsive to me. Upon returning, we drank tea, we laughed a great deal at Helene, whose name Dr. Hunnius absolutely could not stand. – Dr. Hunnius was very curious and inquired whether I was a bride; in general he needed to talk much and about many things. It was already completely dark when we returned home. – Papa was terribly sour [displeased]… Mostly this day too I occupied my thoughts with him [Kursell]. – The weather was quite fine, but chilly and windy.

9th, Tuesday.

In the morning I worked in the bedroom and read Fanny’s letter; the rest of the day passed quite ordinarily, which was rather melancholic, but natural. Mama was very busy with household chores this day; after tea E., H. [Emilia and Helene] and I went for a walk in the small garden. – And after… God, today I saw the moon again, but with entirely different feelings did I look upon it than a month ago, when I felt so happy loving Him and being loved by Him! – And in these days I have gained experience [lived through things] for which I perhaps would have needed years of life. It had to be so painful and shocking, oh my God! my heart is ready to burst when I realize what the human heart actually is — a thing sadly prone [to change]! – In the evening we read a little of “Maltravers”, and then a sermon by Hofacker. After supper Mama read, as on many previous evenings, a chapter from the Bible.

10th, Wednesday.

Early in the morning Papa rode to Kedik, where they were also expecting Uncle Pontus from Revel in the evening; the morning passed in work; in the afternoon we ate melons. Mama was busy with household affairs from the afternoon until late in the evening… After tea we walked in the small garden. Emilia read “Maltravers”. – In the evening the reading was continued. After supper Mama read from the Bible. Although there was no rain, the weather was unwelcoming and cold.

11th, Thursday.

The weather is unwelcoming and cold, and time and time again it rained. – In the morning I washed the apples and left them for Mama. In the morning I saw her examining paintings… the morning passed with Emilia. In the afternoon the hall was still being cleaned; scarcely had we finished with this when Carlblom arrived… and Marie. – The post brought us only a letter from Aunt Minna, – Papa returned from Kedik with the news that Uncle Pontus is not coming, but that we must go there, which was very hard for me. We drank tea by the light [by candlelight] for the first time.

12th, Friday.

In the night there was a hard frost; in the morning it was cold and windy; we soon dressed and rode to Kedik. Mama and the three of us. Grandmamma was not as amiable to me all day as usual. Uncle Pontus had aged greatly. I felt completely uncomfortable there and was homesick; all the conversations interested me so little – I was glad when we left again after tea. The crossing was, as on many other days, very pleasant; it was quiet, and the moon shone magnificently. I completely surrendered to my thoughts, so that I was genuinely sorry when we found ourselves before the steps [of the house]. – Grandmamma expressed her displeasure to Mama that the marriage with K… had been broken off – concluding [her words by saying] that there would be nothing better [no better match would be found]. Mama was very tired, and, without reading, we went to sleep.

13th, Saturday.

In the morning I wrote. Some things were washed. Certain items were set aside for the journey. – Although the sun was clear, it was still cold and autumnal; in the afternoon we walked in the Great Garden. – Then I was sorting [picking through] the apples in the basket together with Fanny, Helene played with her, while Emilia read aloud to us. – Mama was again very busy with household chores. – After tea Papa arrived from Kedik, I was in a very quiet and melancholic mood this day. Emilia received a letter from Hapsal, informing her that dear Annchen had been severely ill for a long time and was already beyond hope. – In the evening we read a sermon by Klipp.

14th, Sunday.

The weather is beautiful and clear; Papa rode to Hapsal in the morning to arrange the travel permit [podorozhnaya] – When Mama entered my room in the morning, she placed a death notice on my table; this news did not shock me greatly, as I had a premonition of it, and for… one could wish nothing else for dear Annchen but death, so much did she suffer. – For she was a believer, and the Lord has undoubtedly received her soul in His mercy. She died on the 10th. After the Sunday service we all went to the pastorate; Carlblom was in a very engaging mood. Pauline returned from Nuckö this day.

15th, Monday.

We were in the chapel… (crossed out) our… After the meal, Mama lay down to rest, the weather was beautiful, and Emilia and I sat for a long time in the small garden, where we spoke much of the destiny of man. Then we worked in the hall, and she read aloud to us. My heart was once again very heavy and gloomy. After tea Emilia played, and I paced the hall with Fanny; out of the abundance of the heart the mouth spoke. — In the evening the newspapers were read aloud.

16th, Tuesday.

The weather is magnificent; immediately after coffee Mama rode with Helene and Fanny to Hapsal for the fair. I preferred to stay, as it was unpleasant for me to encounter certain people again; I was busy with household chores all day. Late, after tea, they returned from Hapsal. — They dined at the Frantzes’; there was much talk of the fair.

17th, Wednesday.

It was windy and unwelcoming; the entire morning I cleaned, and in general there was much to do all day with packing things; Papa was in Kedik… where Annchen Ottenberg arrived in the evening, who was to travel with us. The weather is unwelcoming, and it rained all day. We packed and cleaned, as is usual the day before a journey. After supper I lay down immediately and was glad when I reached my bed.

18th, Thursday.

In the morning there were the last and most hurried preparations, then I dressed and went for a walk with Emilia in the small garden; everything looked so lovely, we spoke much of my current situation, of Kursell, etc. It is a joy to my heart that Emilia understands me so well. At 12 o’clock we dined and departed immediately after the meal. Our dear [family members] who were staying behind escorted us to the chapel. Helene was very moved, as was Fanny, who was exceedingly sensitive and told me in tears: she clearly sees that I do not love her; this remark stung me, as I was not conscious of this myself, and knew otherwise in my heart and found it very hard. Emilia and the others remained in Kedik, where we drank coffee and lingered for another hour, then rode on — we were in Haggers; after we had rested a little, I went for a short walk with Mama — where she began to speak with me about the affair with Kursell and told me that she has hope that soon all will be set right again. This conversation was very interesting to me. When we went inside, we drank tea; a madame arrived from the fair in Hapsal, and I quickly bought a trifle for everyone, which brought me great pleasure. At 9 o’clock Mama lay down, I wrote and washed, and then we looked to see if the stars would appear; the moon shone welcomingly, but it was very windy.

19th, Friday.

At 5 o’clock we left our inn and at 12 arrived in Revel — where we stayed at the Hôtel de Pétersbourg. Margaret was the first to come to us, then acquaintances. In the afternoon I attended to affairs and dropped in for a moment to see the Rehekampffs, where Adelheid told me something about Kursell that distressed me greatly; her information was very precise. In the evening we were at tea at Blanc’s… However, when I returned home in the evening, I shed tears; the whole affair with K… stood very vividly before my soul. — Mama was angry with me in the evening for refusing to take Sophie Landeson with us to St. Petersburg, as the trunk and carriage were already full, but later I realized this myself and declined. I long regretted that I had not done so [at once].

20th, Saturday.

Until 12 o’clock I was at home; Mama attended to affairs, then I went to Blanc, and I wished to speak with Adelheid about all that has happened; much as I resisted this, I nevertheless saw that I was able to control myself; we stayed for dinner… Saturday. Blanc was friendly; she said that, of course, if I had not known him, then I would have acted badly toward him. We went home, packed a little more before departing. Blanc also came to us, then Mama went to settle a few more matters.

… and so the two of us departed, and I [got] a beautiful stormy night: the whole night through, without sleep, I was consumed by tears; the moon shone into the carriage. We drove through the forest of the Kolk estate, everything was quiet around us, only the wind rushed loudly in the spruce forest; at the post station of Hohenkreuz we got out to drink coffee and refresh ourselves a little, there we supped, where, however, everything was very untidy (malpropre), the coffee pot was like a samovar. At the station in Vaivara we were very tired, and intended to travel the next morning to Narva to the Velho family, but upon arriving there, we learned that they were in Khamutovo*_{(the word is in Russian).}

21st, Sunday.

From Cherkovitsy we rode there, and were received amicably; we drank tea there. They [the rooms] are furnished with taste, although very simply. From there we reached Kipen, where we spent the night; the General’s wife Richter was also there, so we were given a very small room; I was terribly exhausted; Mama and I shared a single canapé [small sofa], I prayed much. Of course, I slept poorly, lying so uncomfortably, and moreover it was quite cold for us in the evening.

22nd, Monday.

At 5 o’clock we rose; I was glad of the opportunity to leave my uncomfortable bed; they harnessed the horses rather slowly. Finally, we left the station. In Strelna we were served immediately; a regiment passed by us heading to Peter[hof]. We now drove past many beautiful country houses; I felt very sad and moved when we saw these spacious stone palaces.

Before St. Petersb[urg] we were awaited by Auntie, cousins, it was beautiful all around; it all seemed like a dream to me as we entered the city. It is pleasant to find oneself again in this great city: the large broad streets, the countless houses, the multitude of people — all this produced a special impression. — When we arrived, no one was home, but soon after that Grandpapa came, who was very glad to see us again, then Aunt Jette, and together with Betty they joyfully told us much about our poor Pyotr And[reyevich]. — We dined with Grandpapa at home; for tea came Ivan And[reyevich] with Annette and Aunt Jette. This evening I was very tired and was glad when I reached my bed. Charles and Konstantin were also with us.

23rd, Tuesday.

We rose very late. Before breakfast Mama went with Laura to the shops [to the Gostiny Dvor], I stayed home; Carl was with me to bring me the repertoire from the Italian Theatre. After breakfast Aunt Jette arrived; we paid a visit*_{(*click the link to read the detailed commentary)} to Madame Collins; Annette and Uncle Ivan And[reyevich] dined with us. In the evening Aunt Jette came again.

24th, Thursday.

(Wednesday skipped) In the morning the tailor came, then with Mama to… then Mama went with Aunt Jette to the shops. Uncle Pontus and Const[antin] were here in the meantime and invited us to dine with them the following day. For dinner we went to Aunt Jette’s; it was a beautiful evening for us, but especially for Mama — to see all the children again, who reminded her so strongly of dear Betty; this evening poor dear Mama wept a great deal. On this day I was very exhausted.

25th, Friday.

The weather, which until now had been good, changed, as it rained several times. At half past 9, Signor Tamburini arrived and gave me my first singing lesson, which brought me immense joy, after which I wrote a letter to Helene. We dined at Aunt Annette’s. Robert Daler delighted us with his playing.

26th, Saturday.

In the morning and after the meal, a singing lesson. Mama in the morning was in the shops [Gostiny Dvor], the evening was spent alone at home.

27th, Sunday.

Rose late; at 8 o’clock we went to Nelson [the pastor], who read a beautiful sermon. Aunt Jette was with her children at our house for an hour in the morning; for tea came Aunt Jette and cousins Costa, Carl, and Victor.

28th, Monday.

The weather was very unpleasant; it rained all day. After breakfast we hired a carriage to pay a visit and stopped by Aunt Jette’s for an hour; Annette returned with us for dinner. In the evening Mama went to Madame Pesarovius, and Louisa — to Aunt Jette, while I remained at home to write letters to Paslep. That evening Mama spoke of selling the estates in Livonia, which made me very anxious for the fate of Paslep.

29th, Tuesday.

In the morning — a singing lesson; after breakfast we rode to choose hats at the milliner’s. We set off to dine at Uncle Pontus’s; also present were Ovander Ivan And[reyevich] and Victor Kilchen. We drank tea at home; cousins came, as well as Mr. von Krüger. In the evening we went with Annette and Ovander to Aunt Jette’s.

30th, Wednesday.

In the morning I walked with Mama for a long time; we were looking for a hairdresser. At one o’clock in the afternoon, Tamburini arrived, although we did not learn a single song, as my voice was very hoarse. Tamburini stayed with us for more than an hour — Mama was not at home, and he needed to be paid for this time. He told me many interesting things about these parts and about Russia, and especially about his stay in Constantinople: about the places there, the Sultan, the customs, and other things. Aunt Jette was with us with her children; in the evening Annette and Ivan And[reyevich] visited us.